I can do it myself

We love random acts of kindness. Write about a time that you benefited from the kindness of a 
stranger, or a time when you were the one extending a helping hand. How did you feel? #HAWMC

It's only day three of this writing challenge and I'm already flagging. I can't think of a time I've benefited from the kindness of a stranger but many wonderful and kind people have helped me the last few years. I think illness brings out the best and the worst in people. While some people have been rude and judgmental towards me others have been wonderful, understanding, and supportive. For example, the last few weeks I have been really struggling and have been kind of a mess. One day a friend came by and dropped off some bread to let me know she was thinking of me. Her kindness brought me to tears and that is just one example. When I had kidney stones last year another friend called up randomly to see how I was doing, and I ended up having a breakdown over the phone so she came and got my kids. My friends and family are amazing.

I have difficulty accepting kindness from others. It's kind of ridiculous but I'm too prideful about my independence. My motto has always been "I can do it myself." I can barely get up off the bed, but it's okay I can do it myself. I'm falling apart physically and emotionally, but I can do myself. When others try to help me my instinct is say I'm fine and to push them away. It's been humbling for me to rely on the kindness of others. I've had to accept help more often than I would like, and often I feel ashamed even though the person helping has never made me feel that way. One time a friend read on my blog about how I was too sick to mop my floor and it was driving me crazy. She came over and mopped it for me and I was so glad, the clean floor made me so much happier! But I also felt like I was worthless because I couldn't even clean my own floor. In my brain I knew that was a stupid way to feel, that I still had worth even though I couldn't mop, but I couldn't convince my heart. I think that is the reason that I struggle so much with getting kindness and help from others. For some reason I tell myself that it makes me a failure.  That is the reason chronic illness is so hard because we are all so hard on ourselves.