Chronic illness is lonely

There's a moment when it hits you, that because of your illness you've been forgotten. You've tried to stay around, to not disappear every time your pain level spikes, to help out other people even when you're hurting, but it wasn't good enough. You did everything to pretend that you were well so that you could fit in and belong with the normal people, but you failed. You have faded into obscurity because You are not like them.

You can't do everything they do, so you don't belong. There is a barrier between you and them, a barrier that is very difficult to cross. Despite all the work you do to try to cross it, in the end only they have the power to reach across the barrier and pull you to the other side. Other people are moving on with their lives. They're managing their careers, creating families, developing new friendships. And you, your life depends on how bad the weather is that day, or how long it takes you to recover from standing in line at the DMV, or whether or not the doctor screwed up your prescription. You don't know or understand what is going on in your body, but you wish that somehow you friends did. Because maybe that would take away the pain.

Your life is

separate
different
isolated
lonely

Sometimes you feel ashamed. Like it's all your fault that you've found yourself alone. If only you could have done better or fought harder. If only you hadn't pushed people away to avoid judgment and hurt.  If only you could be better, happier, stronger, or selfless. You must have become too withdrawn, too prideful for others to want to be around you.

But it's alright you're doing fine.







* If you know me in real life, don't worry about me after reading this depressing post. I wrote it some time ago, but I wasn't sure if I should publish it. I just finally got the courage to post it today because pain shouldn't be painted over.