I am pretty familiar with pain. I think I'm pretty tough, but my pain level has been so high lately it is kicking my tail. I haven't been able to blog because I'm crazy busy and when I'm not busy all I can think about it pain. Pain pain pain, my head keeps screaming. The pain is so bad all my normal pain coping techniques have gone out the window. And in the month of December I just don't have the time to take pain killers and bliss out (and it's not like pain killers help me that much anyway).
I'm really good at ignoring pain. If ignoring pain were a professional sport I would be in the Olympics. I function on a daily pain level that would put most people in bed whimpering, but this much pain is killing me. I've been flaking out on half the stuff I committed to lately. I very carefully planned out my schedule for December and even though it was busy I didn't over commit myself and left a decent amount of time for rest. My body clearly had different ideas. Now I'm flaking out of my commitments left and right. I'm relatively sure a lot of my friends are annoyed about how many events I've promised to come to and then cancelled at the last moment.
I wish I could explain what this pain feels like to other people. I wish they could take my pain just for one second so that they would have an idea of what I deal with. I know I'd get a lot more sympathy and a lot more help. The other day I was having as really hard time. I was hurting so badly and I was depressed because it's Christmas and I want to enjoy it instead of huddling at home being miserable. I was depressed because everyone is so busy and I should be too but my body won't let me. And then I saw all the sympathy and offers for help a friend was getting on facebook for having the flu (this is why I avoid that hellhole, I don't know what convinced me to log on). I was angry and hurt and frustrated and I wanted to scream WHAT ABOUT ME! I DEAL WITH THIS EVERY FREAKING DAY AND I NEVER GET ANY SYMPATHY. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME AT ALL YOU JUST GET ANNOYED WHEN I FLAKE OUT AND THEN YOU FORGET ABOUT ME. I was not in a good place, clearly.
Yeah, pain makes me angry and selfish. Suddenly my better nature goes out the window and I lose all patience and thought for other people. I'm not proud of it, but being in constant pain is hard. Sometimes I gloss over what it is really like to have a chronic illness. I convince myself and others that it's okay and it's all sunshine and rainbows, but then I have a meltdown over a Facebook posts and it reminds me that this is hard. There is no chronic illness boot camp, this was just thrown in my lap and I had to learn how to deal with it on my own. Sometimes I do a good job at dealing with things and sometimes I mess up in a major way. Sometimes I am totally in control of my problems, other times I sink into the despair and pain and it's okay. The important thing is I'm learning to forgive myself for these freak outs and each time I go through this cycle I learn something new.
I think this time of year is harder for many of us, the changes in the weather combined with the added pressures. I think for those of us who have learned to "ignore" the pain and cope to a certain degree may find it harder because people get used to us sounding so positive and feeling so good, that it becomes even harder to be open when we are hurting. At least that's how I've found it lately. I hope you are doing better now that the holidays are passed.
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