A non drinkers guide to buying hard liquor

So, I don't drink, I never have. Still I fancied myself to be somewhat educated in alcohol considering the major social activity of my university was drinking. You just can't go to Texas A&M and be ignorant about alcohol whether you drink it or not. Turns out I'm only educated in cheap alcohol. Apparently I didn't hang out with the rich kids in college, we had to dream on a budget. I can tell you all about the best wines to get at Walmart and the rankings of cheap beer, but I have no knowledge of anything that costs more than $10.

So this week I decided I was going to make some homemade vanilla extract. I was aware that I needed vodka or rum to make it so I decided I'd just make a quick trip to Sams Club to pick up some hard liquor. No big deal. I was even smart enough to check online to see if Sams carried hard liquor (it's a family store right? you never know) and it does. The suburb we live in was originally settled by Quakers so I knew there was some interesting liquor laws, but since we live on the county line I figured I'd shop in the couny that encompasses the city of Houston which I assumed had liberal liquor laws. Because...Texas. I underestimated Texans ya'll.

My first big check came when I realized that the only thing I needed at Sams was a bottle of rum, a HUGE bottle of low budget rum. My four year old was shopping with me and I realized it would look mighty interesting for me and my kid to go pick up a kegs worth of rum and nothing else. I mean I promise I wasn't buying it to guzzle on the way home, but it felt weird. I just know I'd run into my kids principal or something and then they'd think "well that explains THAT family"! Or I'd run into an acquaintance I haven't seen in a while because being sick kills your social life and they'd be like "oh, she has a chronic illness does she? Looks  like that's a bunch of crap." Because people judge. Heck, I'd judge me too.

So I turned to my partner in crime, my husband, who by the way also doesn't drink. I emailed him a picture of the rum I wanted and figured it would be no big deal for him to pick it up on his way home. So he heads off to Sams and then a few other stores only be mystified at the unavailability of hard liquor. Hmmm, so apparently in our county you can only get it at a liquor store. I had no idea, I just assumed you could pick it up anywhere. Doesn't Walmart have everything, isn't that the entire point of their horrible existence?

So next I looked up a liquor store and I sent my spouse off to buy the cheapest rum he could find. The employees at the liquor store were horrified to see him buy rum in a plastic bottle and tried in vain to convince him that he had to buy some better stuff. They were equally horrified when they found out he didn't intend to even drink it! Why would you ever buy alcohol if you don't intend to drink it? If your wife is a DIYer and has a few too many screws loose, that's why.

There's really no point to this story, but it sure was an amusing experience. Now I know where to find hard liquor if I ever need it in the middle of the night, but not on Sunday because you can't buy it on Sundays here. Because...Texas ya'll.