It's confession time on Chronic Mom- sometimes I find myself resenting healthy people and it's not because they did anything to me. Sometimes I find myself resenting someone who is accomplishing things, wonderful things that I wish I could accomplish but am forever bared from doing so. I will really be honest and say that sometimes I hate these people, especially if you run marathons and go on and on about how awesome it is, then I really hate you.
There, now you all know I'm a horrible person.
Even as I'm hating these people I know that I am horrible for feeling that way. It certainly isn't their fault that life dealt them a different hand then it dealt me, but I still resent them. When I resent healthy people I know it's the bad parts of my personality coming out and it frustrates me that I feel that way. I really do work hard at being a nice person, but sometimes I am just not. I've been trying to find a way to deal with these feelings because they are feelings I am not proud of and they definitely won't help me to deal with my health. Lately, instead of focusing on what other people are accomplishing I'm focusing on what I can accomplish and I'm giving myself credit for every accomplishment. Sure, walking on the treadmill isn't a big deal for most people, but for me it is, and I'm letting myself feel proud about doing it. Making dinner for a friend isn't a big deal, but for me it's something I can do for another person, and it's an accomplishment.
I've had some measure of success lately after working on my bad attitude. A friend accomplished something truly wonderful this week and when she told me I was so happy for her and didn't feel resentful at all. After we were done talking it occurred to me was that all I felt was joy, joy for her and the wonderful things that are coming her way. I won't lie, I still resent marathon runners for some reason (I'm sure a psychologist could tell me some deep seated reasons why) but I'm currently on a path that is leading me towards a more healthy in body and soul and a more healthy - me.