It will be good for me in the long run, but it is horribly defeating to be going backwards. I'm no longer standing in the same place watching and waiting as I see others moved in front of me. Now for each step others take forward I'm taking a step backward getting farther and farther away from what is normal. The distance between me and others continues to grow as my treatment drags on for years and my strength to fight lessons with each new defeat.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I am not. Rather as I continue on with my normal life I feel like the distance between me and normal people has increased and our ability to relate to each other has gone out the window. My every day struggle is so different from most people I feel like we live in different worlds. We go along with our own lives and yet our lives never intersect with one another. I find myself unable the cross the line into the world of having physical health. I suppose that is one of the reason's why chronic illness is so hard and why it is important to be part of community of sick people.